Mocha Frap = DOOM

Oh no...
Today, my mother picked me up from school... holding a mocha frappucino from Starbucks. My worst nightmare. It's not like I could just not drink it. I had to drink it. At least I got away with only drinking about half.
But now my stomach is extremely angry with me. Gurgling and nauseous... I just feel sick.
Sigh... I can't wait until I'm 18, and off to college in NYC. Nobody telling me what to eat or when to eat it or anything. Right now, that sounds like heaven.
On top of that frappuccino, I'm going to have to eat dinner with the family tonight.
The only good thing about this is that I'm a vegetarian, so can usually get away with just eating a salad.
Well, I should probably go do my homework instead of blogging away.
I'll post my calories later today.
Stay strong, lovelies!
xx

A Screw Up and a Regain of Control

I have a confession.
This past three days... I've been... horrible.
I've been a pig, to put it plainly.
Eating and eating and eating. Not counting calories. Not even attempting to restrict.
Well, all of this resulted in an extremely gnarley panic attack last night.
I felt like...
Like... My world was falling apart. Like I had lost all control. I vowed to regain my control.
And this morning I woke up feeling somehow rejuvenated.
Today's Intake...
B: 130
L: 0
D: 300
Total: 430
And it still feels like too much. It always feels like too much. Is that just me?

I wore shorts to school today. I was so distracted in all my classes, obsessing over how disgusting my legs are. I couldn't focus. I couldn't concentrate on anything but my own repulsiveness. How do other people stand looking at me? I am a tub of lard.

I won't be wearing shorts for a while.

Blinded

Today, a friend grabbed my hips, said "Ohmygod you're so skinny!"
I wriggled out of her grasp, mortified at the thought of her touching my thick, flabby body.
Am I skinny? When I look in the mirror, I don't see thin.
I see disappointment.
I see a whale of a girl peering back at me.

In other news, I still have no scale. I am going slowly insane not knowing my weight.

And some thinspo:

It's a Bit Awkward

Typing these words is what's a bit awkward. Is anybody out there? Are these sentences getting lost in the murky shadows of cyberspace? Ah well. All good things take time.
Today, my mother told me that my jeans are looking a bit loose.
Is there any better feeling in the world?

Some thoughts and some thinspo.

Today, my stepmother flat out confronted me about my eating habits.
She even removed the scale from the house.
I freaked a little. I thought I had been hiding it extremely well!
Now I'm a little  nerve-wracked.
What's a girl to do?

Anyways, here's some thinspo for all to enjoy.

A Beginning

I wish I were thin.
I wish I were confident, happy, bubbly, bright.
I wish I weren't afraid of the mirror.
Or the scale.
I wish I weren't afraid of myself.

I am 15 years old. I am quiet and shy and afflicted with something.
No, not afflicted. I am gifted. I am gifted with ana.

Sometimes I don't have the will to keep fighting, or the will to quit eating.
But ana will always be there to dust me off, and return me to the world, empty and pure and pink. Light as a snowflake, pure, pure, pure.
When I am through here, I will walk as a shadow, tiptoeing through the light, as airy and free as any passing shade.

This blog is a way to reach out, instead of always reaching in. It's a way to trudge along, until I can dance.