I need structure

Everyone loves having time off from school, right?
Wrong.
When I'm not at school, stuck home all day, I eat. And eat. And eat some more.
Today I've already had leftover green bean casserole and a slice of pumpkin pie (threw them both up, of course, but still. Calories are calories. They've already slipped into my body).
When i'm at school, it's so much easier to skip breakfast, skip lunch, skip everything until dinner. Because I have structure. 2 hours of classes, break, 2 hours of classes, lunch, 2 hours of classes, home. I can map out my day.
I hate not being at school!!!

Put that down.

If you eat that, you will hate yourself. You will hate yourself for hours and hours and hours. Of course, you already hate yourself. But if you eat that, the hatred will be taken to a whole different level. Don't you want to be loved? Admired? Envied? Don't you want any one person to look at you think, 'I want to be that'? Prove that you are strong. Put that food down. It is disgusting. It is filthy. It is covered in slick mold that will pus and slime down your throat and into your stomach, where it will slowly rot you away from the inside out. Right now your insides are pure and pink and new. Do not ruin them with this grey sludge. Do not do this to yourself. Don't you want to be happy with yourself? To be able to look in a mirror and smile? That will never happen if you put that in your mouth, chew, swallow. So get rid of it now, before I lose my temper.

Sorry for the lack of thinspo...

I'm not on my own computer with all my secret files. Poop.
THANKSGIVING IS CREEPING UP.
Shitfuckgoddamnassholemotherfucker.

Anyone else dreading it already?
I can already tell that dinner tomorrow will just be a huge test by my parents.
Is Sofia going to eat? How much will she eat? Will she eat any potatoes? What about gravy? Pie?
It's going to be horrible. And so, because of this, I am eating under 500 calories today, and nothing tomorrow until dinner. And from there, under 500 calories Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.
Cross your fingers this works!
xx Sofia 

New Plan

Nothing for breakfast.
Diet soda for lunch.
Dinner with the family.
Eat as little as I can get away with.
<3

Wow Okay.

It has been too long.
I miss blogging!! So I've decided that I'm going to start blogging daily again. Because I just miss all of you too much.
Also... it's been hard to get inspired because lately, Ana just has not been in my head. It's like, I look in the mirror, and I think Well, I'm not perfect. But I'm not fat either. It was kind of scary, not having Ana there. I think it's because I started taking trazodone (an anti depressant and sleep aide). So the thoughts just kind of subsided.
I tested this out by skipping it the past two nights, and sure enough... Ana's back :) :)
Today all I ate was a small piece of pizza (I couldn't get out of it. Family dinner...) And I feel so much better.
The more I don't eat, the less I want to eat.
I love this feeling of control.
How had I given it up, even for a week?

And now I am going to read all of your blogs.
I'm really excited to catch up with everyone :)
So much love to all you girlies!! Keep it up, you can do it.
xx Sofia

Ungrounded!

I'm back :] My groundation is officially over, thank GOD.
I'm sorry to say that I have been, well, a complete and utter failure.
But starting tomorrow, and going until Thanksgiving, I am eating 500 calories or lower on pain of death. Anything more is just so completely unaccceptable. I'm so grossed out by myself.
I feel like I'm being slowly suffocated by my own lard.
I wish I could be one of those people who is just happy with their body. But I never will be. Maybe once I get lower and lower. I hope that someday I'll be okay with how I look.
Let's see... I've finally found something I love to do. Skateboarding. I seriously have never been this passionate about anything in my life. I only got my board about 5 days ago, but I have been on it non-stop, probably 3 or more hours every day. I just love it so much. I keep eating shit, but it's totally worth it.
Plus, being a girl skater is kind of just super bad ass.
So all of you who have never skated, TRY IT.
Argh, I really want to post thinspo, but blogger is being stupid and none of my pictures are working. I'll try again later, but right now I am going to catch up on all of your wonderful blogs that I've been missing out on!!
I love, love, love you!
Let's stay strong, and we can get through this together.
I know we can.
With eachother, we can be perfect <3
xx Sofia

I'm a sucky blogger

But it's not my fault! I'm grounded... In fact, I am sneaking on the computer right now.
Today: 500 calories.
Getting back into the swing of things.
Sorry for the short post, I'm nervous I'm going to get caught/killed by my parentals. Gah.
Love love loveee you!!
<3 Sofia

Drinking and Cutting and Boys, Oh My!

Happy late Halloween everyone! I hope your halloweens were all fun and eventful :]
Last night I got wasted and went trick or treating with one of my girl friends. Nothing better than alcohol and chocolate, am I right?
However, awaking the next morning with a gnarley hangover and the knowledge that you ate hundreds of calories in candy and shots... not the best feeling. Today I tried to compensate, ate around 270 calories. I'm planning on eating about this much for the next week, and seeing how much weight I lose. I'm aiming for 2 pounds lost by Friday, which would put me at about 117. Which would be Delightful with a capital D.
What else, what else.
I cut myself a few nights ago. On my arm, so stupid. Hey Sofia, why don't you cut yourself on a clearly visible portion of your body! Stupid, stupid, stupid. Won't my therapist be pleased to hear I'm back to cutting... Maybe I just won't tell her. I'm finally down to meeting once every two weeks. And if she hears about this, it'll be back to weekly visits, maybe even biweekly visits.
I don't think I'm going to tell her.
I also found out today that the boy I have a crush on recently got a girlfriend. FML. And I hear she's super pretty.
And super skinny.
That should be me.
Okay, sorry for the long, rambling, slightly depressing post.
I'll shut up now and read all of YOUR beautiful blogs!!
Love, love, love,
Sofia