Be thin.
Stay thin.
<3
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
So Very Sick
I am just so. sick. My immune system has been in the shit hole for the past few weeks, what with not sleeping and not eating. Blergh.
Well... what's the good thing about being sick? That's right! FASTING. Fasting with no awkward questions, pointed looks, or flat-out accusations. Woohoo.
And so today, I plan on eating a grand total of 0 calories.
Wish me luck!!
xx Sofia
p.s. Hello new followers! You guys are all da bomb :P
SKINNY LEGS. Oh how I wish I had skinny legs...
Well... what's the good thing about being sick? That's right! FASTING. Fasting with no awkward questions, pointed looks, or flat-out accusations. Woohoo.
And so today, I plan on eating a grand total of 0 calories.
Wish me luck!!
xx Sofia
p.s. Hello new followers! You guys are all da bomb :P
Monday, October 25, 2010
I've realized something...
If I don't start eating, I have no problem with it.
It's that first bite that screws me over. Once that first bite is in my mouth, it is so, so difficult to not stuff the whole meal in my life. But if I never take the first bite, I have no urge to binge.
Right now I'm floating on 100 calories, eaten 12 hours ago.
Unfortunately I'm about to eat veggies in spaghetti sauce. But what can I do? It's a family meal. The thing that sucks is, before I started losing weight, we never had family dinners. But now that it's started to become a little more apparent, we have them every night. It's terrible! There's no getting out of it! Grr.
But on a happier note...
When I came home from school today, my dad looked up and said, with obvious surprise, "You look pretty today!" This might not seem like much, but coming from my dad, it's amazing. He doesn't give compliments. Ever. Is this one due to my weight loss? Most definitely. Will I continue to lose weight? Most definitely.
Stay strong my darlings!!
xx Sofia
It's that first bite that screws me over. Once that first bite is in my mouth, it is so, so difficult to not stuff the whole meal in my life. But if I never take the first bite, I have no urge to binge.
Right now I'm floating on 100 calories, eaten 12 hours ago.
Unfortunately I'm about to eat veggies in spaghetti sauce. But what can I do? It's a family meal. The thing that sucks is, before I started losing weight, we never had family dinners. But now that it's started to become a little more apparent, we have them every night. It's terrible! There's no getting out of it! Grr.
But on a happier note...
When I came home from school today, my dad looked up and said, with obvious surprise, "You look pretty today!" This might not seem like much, but coming from my dad, it's amazing. He doesn't give compliments. Ever. Is this one due to my weight loss? Most definitely. Will I continue to lose weight? Most definitely.
xx Sofia
Sunday, October 24, 2010
I FOUND IT.
I found it! THE SCALE. I found where my bitch stepmom hid it. Haha, take that, Summer you fucking psychopath!
I found it, I found it, I found it.
And I am 119.3 pounds.
So I was pretty much spot-on in my guess of my weight.
Gotta get lower. Just gotta get lower. Let's hear it for 115 by Halloween, after all :D
She was hiding it behind the couch in the guest room, under the Christmas wrapping paper. HA! Yesss. You guys have no idea how incredibly pleased with myself I am. I found the scale, and you can suck a big one, Summer. *Cackles with glee*
I found it, I found it, I found it.
And I am 119.3 pounds.
So I was pretty much spot-on in my guess of my weight.
Gotta get lower. Just gotta get lower. Let's hear it for 115 by Halloween, after all :D
She was hiding it behind the couch in the guest room, under the Christmas wrapping paper. HA! Yesss. You guys have no idea how incredibly pleased with myself I am. I found the scale, and you can suck a big one, Summer. *Cackles with glee*
How much?
How. Much. Do. I. Weigh. God. Fucking. Dammit.
I need a scale. I think I might be going a little crazy... I don't really know what my parents were thinking when they removed the scales. Did they think it would "cure" me or something? Bad move, guys. It's making me even crazier/more focused on restricting. Without a scale, I can only imagine the worst. That I'm gaining and gaining, even though I know that can't be true... Gah.
I'm guessing I'm around 120. But I really have no clue. I could be 125, I could be 115. I just don't know.
Grr. Angst.
Today, I've eaten 12 grapes. So... about 36 calories? It still feels like too much! I noticed today, that while eating the grapes, I was completely berating myself. Or maybe Ana was. Saying, You fat ass. What the hell are you doing? Packing those in your gut. You're a whale. You don't deserve to eat anything. Ever. Now I realize that that is a little ridiculous. I mean, they were grapes. Not cookies. But it doesn't matter, no matter what I eat, I just feel sick with myself afterwards. I wish I could just choose not to eat, ever. But that would result in, you know, dying.
Although at least I would die thin.
I need a scale. I think I might be going a little crazy... I don't really know what my parents were thinking when they removed the scales. Did they think it would "cure" me or something? Bad move, guys. It's making me even crazier/more focused on restricting. Without a scale, I can only imagine the worst. That I'm gaining and gaining, even though I know that can't be true... Gah.
I'm guessing I'm around 120. But I really have no clue. I could be 125, I could be 115. I just don't know.
Grr. Angst.
Today, I've eaten 12 grapes. So... about 36 calories? It still feels like too much! I noticed today, that while eating the grapes, I was completely berating myself. Or maybe Ana was. Saying, You fat ass. What the hell are you doing? Packing those in your gut. You're a whale. You don't deserve to eat anything. Ever. Now I realize that that is a little ridiculous. I mean, they were grapes. Not cookies. But it doesn't matter, no matter what I eat, I just feel sick with myself afterwards. I wish I could just choose not to eat, ever. But that would result in, you know, dying.
Although at least I would die thin.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Rain
God how I love the rain.
It's cold and damp and grey. It's beautiful. I think i'm the most myself in this weather.
Right now I'm curled up under the covers, drinking hot tea and studying for midterms.
Calories: 450.
I'm definitely done eating for the day. I will be 115 by Thanksgiving.
Hopefully.
I can feel myself becoming more slender. Less stomach, less thigh, less ass, less fat, less me.
I want to be so tiny that the wind can blow me away.
It's cold and damp and grey. It's beautiful. I think i'm the most myself in this weather.
Right now I'm curled up under the covers, drinking hot tea and studying for midterms.
Calories: 450.
I'm definitely done eating for the day. I will be 115 by Thanksgiving.
Hopefully.
I can feel myself becoming more slender. Less stomach, less thigh, less ass, less fat, less me.
I want to be so tiny that the wind can blow me away.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Agh, depressing much?
First of all... sorry for my last post. Things just build up sometimes, I guess.
But you guys... your comments are amazing. Seriously. They feel like they might be the only things that keep me going.
I JUST LOVE YOU ALL.
Okay. Now that the love fest is out of the way... haha.
Today was actually pretty good. 400 calories. I feel like I might actually be getting somewhere... pants that used to be unzippable now fit, and my old pants are practically falling off. It is more lovely than possibly imaginable.
I'm not sure of my weight... Gahr. But I think that 115 by Halloween probably isn't going to happen, seeing as I have about a week. I mean, it's feasible right? I wish I knew how much I weigh!! But the point of this is, I now want to be 115 by Thanksgiving and 110 by Christmas. I know these goals seem super small, but I think it's better to set my expectations lower and exceed them, than to set them too high and wallow in disappointment.
I was in a bit of a funk for a few days, not really paying attention to what I was eating. Probably averaged around 700 a day. Now I'm getting back into it. I suddenly just feel so much more motivated.
In other news... Boys suck.
Stay strong, my beautiful, lovely, amazing, fantastic girls!!
xx Sofia
I know, I know. It's Kristen Stewart. Believe me, I hate Twilight as much as the next person. But you have to admit... She is amazing thinspo <3
But you guys... your comments are amazing. Seriously. They feel like they might be the only things that keep me going.
I JUST LOVE YOU ALL.
Okay. Now that the love fest is out of the way... haha.
Today was actually pretty good. 400 calories. I feel like I might actually be getting somewhere... pants that used to be unzippable now fit, and my old pants are practically falling off. It is more lovely than possibly imaginable.
I'm not sure of my weight... Gahr. But I think that 115 by Halloween probably isn't going to happen, seeing as I have about a week. I mean, it's feasible right? I wish I knew how much I weigh!! But the point of this is, I now want to be 115 by Thanksgiving and 110 by Christmas. I know these goals seem super small, but I think it's better to set my expectations lower and exceed them, than to set them too high and wallow in disappointment.
I was in a bit of a funk for a few days, not really paying attention to what I was eating. Probably averaged around 700 a day. Now I'm getting back into it. I suddenly just feel so much more motivated.
In other news... Boys suck.
Stay strong, my beautiful, lovely, amazing, fantastic girls!!
xx Sofia
I know, I know. It's Kristen Stewart. Believe me, I hate Twilight as much as the next person. But you have to admit... She is amazing thinspo <3
Monday, October 18, 2010
Three More Years
Today I was feeling depressed. Still am, actually. It just feels like everything is turning grey, crumbling, falling apart. All I can think is three more years. Three more years and I'm 18, and I'm moving 3000 miles away, and I'm never coming back. Hear that Dad? Mom? Summer? Once I leave, I am never coming back.
There's nothing for me here.
Just a family that I can't stand to be around and tons of people I've known forever yet don't even know who I really am, underneath.
I hate that Summer and Mom go behind my back to my doctor, my therapist, each other and talk about What Is Wrong With Sofia. I'm sad that I'm losing friends and I don't even care. I'm hurt that my family doesn't understand, that they don't care why I'm like this. They just want to fix it. I'm angry at my parents for not even pretending to trust me. I'm mad, mad, mad, that there's nothing I can do about anything because I'm too scared and quiet and obedient. I need to get out of here. I hate it here, and I need to leave. I need to get out.
Sometimes I think about killing myself. I do. Just down a bottle of vodka with a bottle of pills. Or maybe slit my wrists and bleed out in the tub. Sometimes I just think, I can't handle this. Everyone else can handle this; but me? No. I can't. I'm not cut out for this. For this whole life thing.
The only thing that stops me is the horrible idea that what comes after is even worse than what's here now.
I hate that I am being strangled, suffocated by everyone and everything.
I don't belong here. I need to get out. I have to get out.
Three more years, three more years, three more years...
690 calories today.
So, so many.
I need to be empty and pure.
It's the only thing that makes me feel at all worthwhile. That maybe life is worthwhile.
That empty, floating feeling.
That feeling that says, maybe everything will be okay after all.
There's nothing for me here.
Just a family that I can't stand to be around and tons of people I've known forever yet don't even know who I really am, underneath.
I hate that Summer and Mom go behind my back to my doctor, my therapist, each other and talk about What Is Wrong With Sofia. I'm sad that I'm losing friends and I don't even care. I'm hurt that my family doesn't understand, that they don't care why I'm like this. They just want to fix it. I'm angry at my parents for not even pretending to trust me. I'm mad, mad, mad, that there's nothing I can do about anything because I'm too scared and quiet and obedient. I need to get out of here. I hate it here, and I need to leave. I need to get out.
Sometimes I think about killing myself. I do. Just down a bottle of vodka with a bottle of pills. Or maybe slit my wrists and bleed out in the tub. Sometimes I just think, I can't handle this. Everyone else can handle this; but me? No. I can't. I'm not cut out for this. For this whole life thing.
The only thing that stops me is the horrible idea that what comes after is even worse than what's here now.
I hate that I am being strangled, suffocated by everyone and everything.
I don't belong here. I need to get out. I have to get out.
Three more years, three more years, three more years...
690 calories today.
So, so many.
I need to be empty and pure.
It's the only thing that makes me feel at all worthwhile. That maybe life is worthwhile.
That empty, floating feeling.
That feeling that says, maybe everything will be okay after all.
Friday, October 15, 2010
You Guys
I just love you guys.
And your comments.
And everything.
I think this community is so supportive and beautiful.
<3 That's all.
And your comments.
And everything.
I think this community is so supportive and beautiful.
<3 That's all.
Binge and Purge, Binge and Purge, Binge and Purge, Binge and Purge.
Yeah.
4 binges.
4 purges.
8 times feeling sick with myself.
0 times feeling control.
Restriction starting again now.
4 binges.
4 purges.
8 times feeling sick with myself.
0 times feeling control.
Restriction starting again now.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Just a Slight Disappointment
416.
That's my calorie intake for the day.
So so so happy it was under my preferred 500 limit!
(Did you know tofu dogs only have 45 calories?! Freaking awesome...)
And I got weighed today, at my doctor's appointment.
123.
Really? One freaking pound less? I started freaking out until Bridget Bell calmed me down (I love you, B) <3 Seeing as I was
a) on my period
b) wearing all my clothes, including coat and shoes
c) had a bellyfull of diet coke (The Double Gulp from 7-11. Holy shit that thing is huge.)
But I want to see more of a result. More, more, more. I'm sick of seeing the same stupid numbers. I want a drastic decrease. I want to actually feel happy and proud when I get on the scale!
In other news, I talked to my doc about my insomnia. She told me to drink tea. Thanks for the help, Dr. Atkins... Like what the hell. I do that already. It is clearly not helping.
That's all. Sorry for the scatter-brained post! I'm a little over-tired I guess... PSATS tomorrow. Someone kill me.
Love you girls!! <3 You guys mean so much to me. You don't even know.
That's my calorie intake for the day.
So so so happy it was under my preferred 500 limit!
(Did you know tofu dogs only have 45 calories?! Freaking awesome...)
And I got weighed today, at my doctor's appointment.
123.
Really? One freaking pound less? I started freaking out until Bridget Bell calmed me down (I love you, B) <3 Seeing as I was
a) on my period
b) wearing all my clothes, including coat and shoes
c) had a bellyfull of diet coke (The Double Gulp from 7-11. Holy shit that thing is huge.)
But I want to see more of a result. More, more, more. I'm sick of seeing the same stupid numbers. I want a drastic decrease. I want to actually feel happy and proud when I get on the scale!
In other news, I talked to my doc about my insomnia. She told me to drink tea. Thanks for the help, Dr. Atkins... Like what the hell. I do that already. It is clearly not helping.
That's all. Sorry for the scatter-brained post! I'm a little over-tired I guess... PSATS tomorrow. Someone kill me.
Love you girls!! <3 You guys mean so much to me. You don't even know.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Ouch
So today was going swimmingly, limited myself to 200 calories + dinner. But for dinner, my dad made homemade mac and cheese with tofu dogs chopped up inside (I'm a vegetarian). And for some reason, this stuff just tore apart my insides. About half an hour after eating it, I was on the bathroom floor, clenched up in a ball, trying to make the pain go away. It felt like my insides were in atrophy.
Finally, I just leaned over the toilet and purged it all up. It made me feel so much better. I know purging is really horrible for you, and gross, and doesn't actually get all the calories out, but I. hurt. so. bad. I just had to do it.
I really don't want to make it a habit though...
Been there, done that.
Total intake: 800ish
(Couldn't find an exact number for the mac and cheese, seeing as it was homemade. Decided to overestimate than underestimate, so put it at 600. A LOT, I know.)
I've decided to restrict my daily calorie intake to 800 maximum, 500 preferred. Hopefully it'll work for me.
Okay, that's all girlies. I love you!!
Stay strong,
xx Sofia Bee
About Me
So... I have three followers now. (SO STOKED). And I thought it was time I gave a little more information about myself... My name's Sofia, I'm 15 years old, and I live in the United States. I've always had issues with eating. In the seventh grade, I was intensely bullimic. I'm talking, purging after every single thing I ate. This continued, to a lesser degree, to the present, although now I am focusing more on ana. Why ana? Well, this past summer, I was drunk, and I was raped. It was the most horrible thing that has ever happened to me in my life. Thankfully I was so drunk that I can barely remember it, although my therapist says that also might be a repression of memory. All I know is, that after that night, I was obsessed with control. I don't know if it's because I was out of control, or what, but that's where I mark the beginning of the end.
Sometimes I scare myself. I want to get so skinny that I'm sick. So sick that I have to be hospitalized, stuck in a psych ward. I guess I just want people to know that something's wrong. That I'm not alright, after all. That the smiling face they all see is a lie.
I've been diagnosed with depression and chronic anxiety, but my parents are completely against me taking meds for these conditions. And since I'm a minor, that decision is left up to my parents. They think that depression and anxiety aren't real medical conditions. They think I should just figure it out for myself.
Sometimes, I feel so worthless that I can't get out of bed. Sometimes I feel so scared that I won't leave my room. But sometimes I feel happy, euphoric. I feel like dancing sometimes, and running, skipping.
What I'm trying to say is, I'm not always such a mope. It just gets to me sometimes.
Oh, and are you ready for some reverse thinspo? This is me, as of this morning:
Don't make fun of my bow legs!
Sometimes I scare myself. I want to get so skinny that I'm sick. So sick that I have to be hospitalized, stuck in a psych ward. I guess I just want people to know that something's wrong. That I'm not alright, after all. That the smiling face they all see is a lie.
I've been diagnosed with depression and chronic anxiety, but my parents are completely against me taking meds for these conditions. And since I'm a minor, that decision is left up to my parents. They think that depression and anxiety aren't real medical conditions. They think I should just figure it out for myself.
Sometimes, I feel so worthless that I can't get out of bed. Sometimes I feel so scared that I won't leave my room. But sometimes I feel happy, euphoric. I feel like dancing sometimes, and running, skipping.
What I'm trying to say is, I'm not always such a mope. It just gets to me sometimes.
Oh, and are you ready for some reverse thinspo? This is me, as of this morning:
Don't make fun of my bow legs! I love, love, love all of you girls. And I love, love, love reading all of your blogs. Stay strong, everyone. We can do this together <3
xx Sofia
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Two Posts in One Day? Crazytown!
Hungry hungry hungry.
wahhh. My tummy is just rumbling away. And I am feeling a bit woozy. I think the wooziness is also because of my period though. It feels like I am losing way too much blood (Sorry if that's TMI, I'm just kind of freaking out). Like, what the hell? I am just bleeding and bleeding... gross.
But yeah. I am not really sure why I am so hungry! 320 calories is not really hunger-inducing usually. God, I am just so frustrated.
Still don't have a scale, still don't have any idea how much I weigh... I really want to be 115 by Halloween, but I don't even know how much I weigh now!
This.
Is.
Driving.
Me.
Insane.
I just need to get to a friend's house and check on their scale. But I'm too lazy. Plus, I'm always tempted to eat when I'm with my friends. So I've mostly just been staying home.
I am turning into such an anti-social freak.
EDIT:
I just waited the hunger out. No more rumbly tummy, no more hunger at all! Feeling good, still a little woozy/shakey. Whatever. I'm stoked that the hunger just passed.
EDIT #2:
Oh God. I think I might throw up.
I went out to get some more diet soda (this stuff is seriously my savior) and was attacked by my stepmother. She went off on me for not eating any dinner. I claimed I wasn't hungry. She asked me if I thought she was stupid. I didn't reply. She angrily threw two biscuits and a hunk of cheese on the plate, and told me to eat them. I refused. She yelled. I refused again. She yelled again. She said I was grounded if I didn't eat. She said I would have to see Dr. Vroomen twice a week if I didn't eat. She said, she said, she said.
I ate.
I feel so sick. How many calories is that? 400? 500? 600? Too, too, too much. I would purge, right now, but how can I, with her in the house?
Everything is just falling apart.
wahhh. My tummy is just rumbling away. And I am feeling a bit woozy. I think the wooziness is also because of my period though. It feels like I am losing way too much blood (Sorry if that's TMI, I'm just kind of freaking out). Like, what the hell? I am just bleeding and bleeding... gross.
But yeah. I am not really sure why I am so hungry! 320 calories is not really hunger-inducing usually. God, I am just so frustrated.
Still don't have a scale, still don't have any idea how much I weigh... I really want to be 115 by Halloween, but I don't even know how much I weigh now!
This.
Is.
Driving.
Me.
Insane.
I just need to get to a friend's house and check on their scale. But I'm too lazy. Plus, I'm always tempted to eat when I'm with my friends. So I've mostly just been staying home.
I am turning into such an anti-social freak.
EDIT:
I just waited the hunger out. No more rumbly tummy, no more hunger at all! Feeling good, still a little woozy/shakey. Whatever. I'm stoked that the hunger just passed.
EDIT #2:
Oh God. I think I might throw up.
I went out to get some more diet soda (this stuff is seriously my savior) and was attacked by my stepmother. She went off on me for not eating any dinner. I claimed I wasn't hungry. She asked me if I thought she was stupid. I didn't reply. She angrily threw two biscuits and a hunk of cheese on the plate, and told me to eat them. I refused. She yelled. I refused again. She yelled again. She said I was grounded if I didn't eat. She said I would have to see Dr. Vroomen twice a week if I didn't eat. She said, she said, she said.
I ate.
I feel so sick. How many calories is that? 400? 500? 600? Too, too, too much. I would purge, right now, but how can I, with her in the house?
Everything is just falling apart.
So Fucking Upset
And I was doing really good! I seriously was having no problem not eating.
BUT THEN, my witch of a stepmother forced me to go to Thai food with her and my dad. I just ordered hot and sour soup, figuring I would only eat the broth, and at least maintain a liquid fast.
But no.
She pitched a fit, talking about how I don't eat enough, and that she knows what I'm doing, and would we have to have a serious talk about this and do I want her to have to call Dr. Vroomen (my therapist)? And all of this was in front of my dad, and an entire restaurant of people. So I ate some fried rice to shut her up, and it was a really small amount and not that many calories, BUT STILL.
So my calorie intake for the day came out to about 320 calories.
Not bad, but not what I was aiming for.
I am just upset.
She just can't stand the thought of me being skinnier than her.
But in the good news side, I made myself an ana bracelet! It's just plain and simple, but - I don't know - I like it, and I think it helps keep me from eating. It's like a little band of reinforcement and encouragement. A little reminder from Ana herself <3
(Sorry the quality's so shitty)I'm going to try fasting again tomorrow/the rest of today. Hopefully my bitch stepmom won't screw things up for me again.
You are all beautiful and lovely! Stay strong,
xx Sofia
In awe
I stood up, walked to the kitchen to get a glass of water. I was surrounded by chocolates and cookies and bread and cereal and every other type of binge-worthy food. And... I just wasn't interested. I looked at all of it, shrugged my shoulders, and walked out with my water.
What does this mean? Am I finally gaining the control I always dreamed of?
I feel invincible, impenetrable, immortal. I feel better than I have ever felt in my entire life. I don't need this food, this grey sludge coating my insides, weighing me down. I don't need any of it.
Starting a fast tomorrow. Zero calories, here I come. Anyone want to join me?
Please let me hold onto this feeling forever.
I love you girls, oh so much.
xx Sofia
Friday, October 8, 2010
Tokyo Police Club!!
Last night was TOKYO POLICE CLUB.
It was the most amazing night of my life.
And this guy, who I have a major crush on, (let's call him A) was there, and we hung out the entire time, and screamed all the lyrics, and after the show, we met the drummer AND the lead singer. I was kind of dying of awe.
Anyways, today has been a pretty good day! Only some oatmeal for breakfast (Safeway Select Sugar-Free is only 100 calories), and then some fruit salad for dinner. And I am feeling good.
Tomorrow, I am planning on fasting. Water fast, for the win! Anyone want to join me? Or have any tips on how to hide your ed from your parents? Both my mother and my stepmother have intense histories with anorexia, so it's difficult to get away with it without them noticing... Today I pretended to sleep through dinner, but that's not really something I can do everyday, you know?
Well, stay strong my beautiful ladies xxxx
It was the most amazing night of my life.
And this guy, who I have a major crush on, (let's call him A) was there, and we hung out the entire time, and screamed all the lyrics, and after the show, we met the drummer AND the lead singer. I was kind of dying of awe.
Anyways, today has been a pretty good day! Only some oatmeal for breakfast (Safeway Select Sugar-Free is only 100 calories), and then some fruit salad for dinner. And I am feeling good.
Tomorrow, I am planning on fasting. Water fast, for the win! Anyone want to join me? Or have any tips on how to hide your ed from your parents? Both my mother and my stepmother have intense histories with anorexia, so it's difficult to get away with it without them noticing... Today I pretended to sleep through dinner, but that's not really something I can do everyday, you know?
Well, stay strong my beautiful ladies xxxx
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Creep
So, I'm not that big a fan of Radiohead, but they came on my Pandora station a few minutes ago, and...
Well, has anyone heard their song Creep?! Like, woah. I don't know, it just kind of spoke to me. Very pro-ana in it's way. Is it about someone who is ana?? Weird...
When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fuckin' special
But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here
I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
Well, has anyone heard their song Creep?! Like, woah. I don't know, it just kind of spoke to me. Very pro-ana in it's way. Is it about someone who is ana?? Weird...
When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fuckin' special
But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here
I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
Monday, October 4, 2010
Hello out there
Today was my grandfather's memorial. My grandfather and I had always been so close - he understood me better than anyone else in my entire family. He raised me until I was 10 years old. I loved him a lot, and today was just so hard.
The only plausible good thing was that all day I felt so sad and small, like a clenched up weight was squeezing my internal organs to a pulp, that I barely ate anything. Just some oatmeal this morning and some apple juice just now.
I miss him so much.
The only plausible good thing was that all day I felt so sad and small, like a clenched up weight was squeezing my internal organs to a pulp, that I barely ate anything. Just some oatmeal this morning and some apple juice just now.
I miss him so much.
Friday, October 1, 2010
A New Month, A New Start
The past few days have been relatively good.
100-ish calorie breakfasts, no lunch, and whatever my family is having for dinner.
No binges in sight :] And let's keep it that way.
In fact... October resolution: No binges all month.
hellz yeah.
Well... this week I am seeing one of my favorite bands: Tokyo Police Club.
YOU CANNOT IMAGINE MY EXCITEMENT.
I know that's not ana related... but really. I am having a difficult time containing myself. No joke.
In other news... my entire family is in town right now. Including my beautiful, skinny, slender cousin. She eats the tiniest portions! Just like a bird, I swear. And nobody thinks anything of it. But when I eat small portions, my entire family gets on my back, lecturing me, forcing me to eat. It's driving me a little insane. At least she is a form of living thinspiration.
Sorry for the lame post, nothing has really been happening... Hopefully something wildly drastic will happen by my next post :]
xx stay strong lovelies
p.s. HOLY SHIT I HAVE A FOLLOWER. Is it sad how sad how happy that makes me? Hello, my one little follower. You make me feel not-so-lame <3
100-ish calorie breakfasts, no lunch, and whatever my family is having for dinner.
No binges in sight :] And let's keep it that way.
In fact... October resolution: No binges all month.
hellz yeah.
Well... this week I am seeing one of my favorite bands: Tokyo Police Club.
YOU CANNOT IMAGINE MY EXCITEMENT.
I know that's not ana related... but really. I am having a difficult time containing myself. No joke.
In other news... my entire family is in town right now. Including my beautiful, skinny, slender cousin. She eats the tiniest portions! Just like a bird, I swear. And nobody thinks anything of it. But when I eat small portions, my entire family gets on my back, lecturing me, forcing me to eat. It's driving me a little insane. At least she is a form of living thinspiration.
Sorry for the lame post, nothing has really been happening... Hopefully something wildly drastic will happen by my next post :]
xx stay strong lovelies
p.s. HOLY SHIT I HAVE A FOLLOWER. Is it sad how sad how happy that makes me? Hello, my one little follower. You make me feel not-so-lame <3
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