Hungry hungry hungry.
wahhh. My tummy is just rumbling away. And I am feeling a bit woozy. I think the wooziness is also because of my period though. It feels like I am losing way too much blood (Sorry if that's TMI, I'm just kind of freaking out). Like, what the hell? I am just bleeding and bleeding... gross.
But yeah. I am not really sure why I am so hungry! 320 calories is not really hunger-inducing usually. God, I am just so frustrated.
Still don't have a scale, still don't have any idea how much I weigh... I really want to be 115 by Halloween, but I don't even know how much I weigh now!
This.
Is.
Driving.
Me.
Insane.
I just need to get to a friend's house and check on their scale. But I'm too lazy. Plus, I'm always tempted to eat when I'm with my friends. So I've mostly just been staying home.
I am turning into such an anti-social freak.
EDIT:
I just waited the hunger out. No more rumbly tummy, no more hunger at all! Feeling good, still a little woozy/shakey. Whatever. I'm stoked that the hunger just passed.
EDIT #2:
Oh God. I think I might throw up.
I went out to get some more diet soda (this stuff is seriously my savior) and was attacked by my stepmother. She went off on me for not eating any dinner. I claimed I wasn't hungry. She asked me if I thought she was stupid. I didn't reply. She angrily threw two biscuits and a hunk of cheese on the plate, and told me to eat them. I refused. She yelled. I refused again. She yelled again. She said I was grounded if I didn't eat. She said I would have to see Dr. Vroomen twice a week if I didn't eat. She said, she said, she said.
I ate.
I feel so sick. How many calories is that? 400? 500? 600? Too, too, too much. I would purge, right now, but how can I, with her in the house?
Everything is just falling apart.
Ohkay, Relax, What you ate, you ate for the sake of keeping Ana with you. I don't know if you think of Ana as a person, or as a life style. Either way, you did that to honor Ana. You can always make up for the calories you consumed. But you could try making a meal randomly, after, or before dinner, and bring it into a room where noone is.. Pretend to eat it, and then when noones looking toss it. I believe soup is the easiest, because then there's no evidence that you didn't eat it! That way you can throw it in your stepmother's face that you ate soup. I understand the anti-socialness also. I avoid my friends houses, and my friends, because they ask questions, and ALWAYS offer me food. Maybe you could mention to your friends that your on a "diet". Just a Simple diet. That way their a little supportive of you. And It's always great when people mention that you've lost weight; becuase it reminds you of why you want it so bad. For that feeling. So think of it this way, If you are'nt around people, you can have complements! Anyway, Your doing wonderfully! And Thank you so much for the support darling!
ReplyDeleteStay strong! AND DRINK LOTS OF WATER! (that may help with the crazy bleeding) -Emily