I need a scale. I think I might be going a little crazy... I don't really know what my parents were thinking when they removed the scales. Did they think it would "cure" me or something? Bad move, guys. It's making me even crazier/more focused on restricting. Without a scale, I can only imagine the worst. That I'm gaining and gaining, even though I know that can't be true... Gah.
I'm guessing I'm around 120. But I really have no clue. I could be 125, I could be 115. I just don't know.
Grr. Angst.
Today, I've eaten 12 grapes. So... about 36 calories? It still feels like too much! I noticed today, that while eating the grapes, I was completely berating myself. Or maybe Ana was. Saying, You fat ass. What the hell are you doing? Packing those in your gut. You're a whale. You don't deserve to eat anything. Ever. Now I realize that that is a little ridiculous. I mean, they were grapes. Not cookies. But it doesn't matter, no matter what I eat, I just feel sick with myself afterwards. I wish I could just choose not to eat, ever. But that would result in, you know, dying.
Although at least I would die thin.
Ah, I know exactly how you feel! I hate putting food in my stomach. It's just... gross. Hope you can get a scale soon! Maybe you should measure yourself? I'm aiming for a 23 inch waist.. that's a size zero. <3
ReplyDeleteI really need a scale, too! I have no idea what my exact weight is and it drives me up the fucking wall :P
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