Today I was feeling depressed. Still am, actually. It just feels like everything is turning grey, crumbling, falling apart. All I can think is three more years. Three more years and I'm 18, and I'm moving 3000 miles away, and I'm never coming back. Hear that Dad? Mom? Summer? Once I leave, I am never coming back.
There's nothing for me here.
Just a family that I can't stand to be around and tons of people I've known forever yet don't even know who I really am, underneath.
I hate that Summer and Mom go behind my back to my doctor, my therapist, each other and talk about What Is Wrong With Sofia. I'm sad that I'm losing friends and I don't even care. I'm hurt that my family doesn't understand, that they don't care why I'm like this. They just want to fix it. I'm angry at my parents for not even pretending to trust me. I'm mad, mad, mad, that there's nothing I can do about anything because I'm too scared and quiet and obedient. I need to get out of here. I hate it here, and I need to leave. I need to get out.
Sometimes I think about killing myself. I do. Just down a bottle of vodka with a bottle of pills. Or maybe slit my wrists and bleed out in the tub. Sometimes I just think, I can't handle this. Everyone else can handle this; but me? No. I can't. I'm not cut out for this. For this whole life thing.
The only thing that stops me is the horrible idea that what comes after is even worse than what's here now.
I hate that I am being strangled, suffocated by everyone and everything.
I don't belong here. I need to get out. I have to get out.
Three more years, three more years, three more years...
690 calories today.
So, so many.
I need to be empty and pure.
It's the only thing that makes me feel at all worthwhile. That maybe life is worthwhile.
That empty, floating feeling.
That feeling that says, maybe everything will be okay after all.
Oh, deary. Don't be so down. Don't think those thoughts, please. Suicide is a permanent solution to just a temporary problem. Just three years. That's not enough to throw your life away completely. You are a beautiful gift to the earth, don't ever forget that. Everyone who meets you is lucky to know you, whether they realize it or not. Everything will be okay. You've got a whole community on here who understands what you're going through.
ReplyDeleteAll my love,
-Molly
xoxoxo
Dear Sofia -
ReplyDeleteYou have no idea how much I'm relating to you right now. I think we will be getting along very well! I feel the same way sometimes; actually, right now. But we'll get through this. I had a suicide plan once but didn't go through with it. And I hate that the only way I can fix it is less calories. It's like my life is circling the drain :P But please don't commit suicide; I'd miss you and your musings and I KNOW that someone out there is waiting for you and will accept everything about you, no matter how screwed up you may feel. Just think about that...
xoxo <3
:(
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry Sofia.
Please stay here. Don't go. Don't leave me.
Families suck, I know.
But just three more years, three more years and you can do whatever the hell you want!
Don't leave.