I need structure

Everyone loves having time off from school, right?
Wrong.
When I'm not at school, stuck home all day, I eat. And eat. And eat some more.
Today I've already had leftover green bean casserole and a slice of pumpkin pie (threw them both up, of course, but still. Calories are calories. They've already slipped into my body).
When i'm at school, it's so much easier to skip breakfast, skip lunch, skip everything until dinner. Because I have structure. 2 hours of classes, break, 2 hours of classes, lunch, 2 hours of classes, home. I can map out my day.
I hate not being at school!!!

Put that down.

If you eat that, you will hate yourself. You will hate yourself for hours and hours and hours. Of course, you already hate yourself. But if you eat that, the hatred will be taken to a whole different level. Don't you want to be loved? Admired? Envied? Don't you want any one person to look at you think, 'I want to be that'? Prove that you are strong. Put that food down. It is disgusting. It is filthy. It is covered in slick mold that will pus and slime down your throat and into your stomach, where it will slowly rot you away from the inside out. Right now your insides are pure and pink and new. Do not ruin them with this grey sludge. Do not do this to yourself. Don't you want to be happy with yourself? To be able to look in a mirror and smile? That will never happen if you put that in your mouth, chew, swallow. So get rid of it now, before I lose my temper.

Sorry for the lack of thinspo...

I'm not on my own computer with all my secret files. Poop.
THANKSGIVING IS CREEPING UP.
Shitfuckgoddamnassholemotherfucker.

Anyone else dreading it already?
I can already tell that dinner tomorrow will just be a huge test by my parents.
Is Sofia going to eat? How much will she eat? Will she eat any potatoes? What about gravy? Pie?
It's going to be horrible. And so, because of this, I am eating under 500 calories today, and nothing tomorrow until dinner. And from there, under 500 calories Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.
Cross your fingers this works!
xx Sofia 

New Plan

Nothing for breakfast.
Diet soda for lunch.
Dinner with the family.
Eat as little as I can get away with.
<3

Wow Okay.

It has been too long.
I miss blogging!! So I've decided that I'm going to start blogging daily again. Because I just miss all of you too much.
Also... it's been hard to get inspired because lately, Ana just has not been in my head. It's like, I look in the mirror, and I think Well, I'm not perfect. But I'm not fat either. It was kind of scary, not having Ana there. I think it's because I started taking trazodone (an anti depressant and sleep aide). So the thoughts just kind of subsided.
I tested this out by skipping it the past two nights, and sure enough... Ana's back :) :)
Today all I ate was a small piece of pizza (I couldn't get out of it. Family dinner...) And I feel so much better.
The more I don't eat, the less I want to eat.
I love this feeling of control.
How had I given it up, even for a week?

And now I am going to read all of your blogs.
I'm really excited to catch up with everyone :)
So much love to all you girlies!! Keep it up, you can do it.
xx Sofia

Ungrounded!

I'm back :] My groundation is officially over, thank GOD.
I'm sorry to say that I have been, well, a complete and utter failure.
But starting tomorrow, and going until Thanksgiving, I am eating 500 calories or lower on pain of death. Anything more is just so completely unaccceptable. I'm so grossed out by myself.
I feel like I'm being slowly suffocated by my own lard.
I wish I could be one of those people who is just happy with their body. But I never will be. Maybe once I get lower and lower. I hope that someday I'll be okay with how I look.
Let's see... I've finally found something I love to do. Skateboarding. I seriously have never been this passionate about anything in my life. I only got my board about 5 days ago, but I have been on it non-stop, probably 3 or more hours every day. I just love it so much. I keep eating shit, but it's totally worth it.
Plus, being a girl skater is kind of just super bad ass.
So all of you who have never skated, TRY IT.
Argh, I really want to post thinspo, but blogger is being stupid and none of my pictures are working. I'll try again later, but right now I am going to catch up on all of your wonderful blogs that I've been missing out on!!
I love, love, love you!
Let's stay strong, and we can get through this together.
I know we can.
With eachother, we can be perfect <3
xx Sofia

I'm a sucky blogger

But it's not my fault! I'm grounded... In fact, I am sneaking on the computer right now.
Today: 500 calories.
Getting back into the swing of things.
Sorry for the short post, I'm nervous I'm going to get caught/killed by my parentals. Gah.
Love love loveee you!!
<3 Sofia

Drinking and Cutting and Boys, Oh My!

Happy late Halloween everyone! I hope your halloweens were all fun and eventful :]
Last night I got wasted and went trick or treating with one of my girl friends. Nothing better than alcohol and chocolate, am I right?
However, awaking the next morning with a gnarley hangover and the knowledge that you ate hundreds of calories in candy and shots... not the best feeling. Today I tried to compensate, ate around 270 calories. I'm planning on eating about this much for the next week, and seeing how much weight I lose. I'm aiming for 2 pounds lost by Friday, which would put me at about 117. Which would be Delightful with a capital D.
What else, what else.
I cut myself a few nights ago. On my arm, so stupid. Hey Sofia, why don't you cut yourself on a clearly visible portion of your body! Stupid, stupid, stupid. Won't my therapist be pleased to hear I'm back to cutting... Maybe I just won't tell her. I'm finally down to meeting once every two weeks. And if she hears about this, it'll be back to weekly visits, maybe even biweekly visits.
I don't think I'm going to tell her.
I also found out today that the boy I have a crush on recently got a girlfriend. FML. And I hear she's super pretty.
And super skinny.
That should be me.
Okay, sorry for the long, rambling, slightly depressing post.
I'll shut up now and read all of YOUR beautiful blogs!!
Love, love, love,
Sofia

Think thin.
Be thin.
Stay thin.
<3

So Very Sick

I am just so. sick. My immune system has been in the shit hole for the past few weeks, what with not sleeping and not eating. Blergh.
Well... what's the good thing about being sick? That's right! FASTING. Fasting with no awkward questions, pointed looks, or flat-out accusations. Woohoo.
And so today, I plan on eating a grand total of 0 calories.
Wish me luck!!
xx Sofia
p.s. Hello new followers! You guys are all da bomb :P

SKINNY LEGS. Oh how I wish I had skinny legs...

I've realized something...

If I don't start eating, I have no problem with it.
It's that first bite that screws me over. Once that first bite is in my mouth, it is so, so difficult to not stuff the whole meal in my life. But if I never take the first bite, I have no urge to binge.
Right now I'm floating on 100 calories, eaten 12 hours ago.
Unfortunately I'm about to eat veggies in spaghetti sauce. But what can I do? It's a family meal. The thing that sucks is, before I started losing weight, we never had family dinners. But now that  it's started to become a little more apparent, we have them every night. It's terrible! There's no getting out of it! Grr.
But on a happier note...
When I came home from school today, my dad looked up and said, with obvious surprise, "You look pretty today!" This might not seem like much, but coming from my dad, it's amazing. He doesn't give compliments. Ever. Is this one due to my weight loss? Most definitely. Will I continue to lose weight? Most definitely. 

Stay strong my darlings!!
xx Sofia

I FOUND IT.

I found it! THE SCALE. I found where my bitch stepmom hid it. Haha, take that, Summer you fucking psychopath!
I found it, I found it, I found it.
And I am 119.3 pounds.
So I was pretty much spot-on in my guess of my weight.
Gotta get lower. Just gotta get lower. Let's hear it for 115 by Halloween, after all :D
She was hiding it behind the couch in the guest room, under the Christmas wrapping paper. HA! Yesss. You guys have no idea how incredibly pleased with myself I am. I found the scale, and you can suck a big one, Summer. *Cackles with glee*

How much?

How. Much. Do. I. Weigh. God. Fucking. Dammit.
I need a scale. I think I might be going a little crazy... I don't really know what my parents were thinking when they removed the scales. Did they think it would "cure" me or something? Bad move, guys. It's making me even crazier/more focused on restricting. Without a scale, I can only imagine the worst. That I'm gaining and gaining, even though I know that can't be true... Gah.
I'm guessing I'm around 120. But I really have no clue. I could be 125, I could be 115. I just don't know.
Grr. Angst.
Today, I've eaten 12 grapes. So... about 36 calories? It still feels like too much! I noticed today, that while eating the grapes, I was completely berating myself. Or maybe Ana was. Saying, You fat ass. What the hell are you doing? Packing those in your gut. You're a whale. You don't deserve to eat anything. Ever. Now I realize that that is a little ridiculous. I mean, they were grapes. Not cookies. But it doesn't matter, no matter what I eat, I just feel sick with myself afterwards. I wish I could just choose not to eat, ever. But that would result in, you know, dying.
Although at least I would die thin.

I'm getting there...

thass me!

I'll write an actual post later...

Rain

God how I love the rain.
It's cold and damp and grey. It's beautiful. I think i'm the most myself in this weather.
Right now I'm curled up under the covers, drinking hot tea and studying for midterms.
Calories: 450.
I'm definitely done eating for the day. I will be 115 by Thanksgiving.
Hopefully.
I can feel myself becoming more slender. Less stomach, less thigh, less ass, less fat, less me.
I want to be so tiny that the wind can blow me away.

Agh, depressing much?

First of all... sorry for my last post. Things just build up sometimes, I guess.
But you guys... your comments are amazing. Seriously. They feel like they might be the only things that keep me going.
I JUST LOVE YOU ALL.

Okay. Now that the love fest is out of the way... haha.
Today was actually pretty good. 400 calories. I feel like I might actually be getting somewhere... pants that used to be unzippable now fit, and my old pants are practically falling off. It is more lovely than possibly imaginable.
I'm not sure of my weight... Gahr. But I think that 115 by Halloween probably isn't going to happen, seeing as I have about a week. I mean, it's feasible right? I wish I knew how much I weigh!! But the point of this is, I now want to be 115 by Thanksgiving and 110 by Christmas. I know these goals seem super small, but I think it's better to set my expectations lower and exceed them, than to set them too high and wallow in disappointment.
I was in a bit of a funk for a few days, not really paying attention to what I was eating. Probably averaged around 700 a day. Now I'm getting back into it. I suddenly just feel so much more motivated.
In other news... Boys suck.

Stay strong, my beautiful, lovely, amazing, fantastic girls!!
xx Sofia

 I know, I know. It's Kristen Stewart. Believe me, I hate Twilight as much as the next person. But you have to admit... She is amazing thinspo <3

Three More Years

Today I was feeling depressed. Still am, actually. It just feels like everything is turning grey, crumbling, falling apart. All I can think is three more years. Three more years and I'm 18, and I'm moving 3000 miles away, and I'm never coming back. Hear that Dad? Mom? Summer? Once I leave, I am never coming back.
There's nothing for me here.
Just a family that I can't stand to be around and tons of people I've known forever yet don't even know who I really am, underneath.
I hate that Summer and Mom go behind my back to my doctor, my therapist, each other and talk about What Is Wrong With Sofia. I'm sad that I'm losing friends and I don't even care. I'm hurt that my family doesn't understand, that they don't care why I'm like this. They just want to fix it. I'm angry at my parents for not even pretending to trust me. I'm mad, mad, mad, that there's nothing I can do about anything because I'm too scared and quiet and obedient. I need to get out of here. I hate it here, and I need to leave. I need to get out.
Sometimes I think about killing myself. I do. Just down a bottle of vodka with a bottle of pills. Or maybe slit my wrists and bleed out in the tub. Sometimes I just think, I can't handle this. Everyone else can handle this; but me? No. I can't. I'm not cut out for this. For this whole life thing.
The only thing that stops me is the horrible idea that what comes after is even worse than what's here now.
I hate that I am being strangled, suffocated by everyone and everything.
I don't belong here. I need to get out. I have to get out.
Three more years, three more years, three more years...

690 calories today.
So, so many.
I need to be empty and pure.
It's the only thing that makes me feel at all worthwhile. That maybe life is worthwhile.
That empty, floating feeling.
That feeling that says, maybe everything will be okay after all.

You Guys

I just love you guys.
And your comments.
And everything.
I think this community is so supportive and beautiful.
<3 That's all.

Binge and Purge, Binge and Purge, Binge and Purge, Binge and Purge.

Yeah.
4 binges.
4 purges.
8 times feeling sick with myself.

0 times feeling control.


Restriction starting again now.

Just a Slight Disappointment

416.
That's my calorie intake for the day.
So so so happy it was under my preferred 500 limit!
(Did you know tofu dogs only have 45 calories?! Freaking awesome...)

And I got weighed today, at my doctor's appointment.
123.
Really? One freaking pound less? I started freaking out until Bridget Bell calmed me down (I love you, B) <3 Seeing as I was
a) on my period
b) wearing all my clothes, including coat and shoes
c) had a bellyfull of diet coke (The Double Gulp from 7-11. Holy shit that thing is huge.)

But I want to see more of a result. More, more, more. I'm sick of seeing the same stupid numbers. I want a drastic decrease. I want to actually feel happy and proud when I get on the scale!

In other news, I talked to my doc about my insomnia. She told me to drink tea. Thanks for the help, Dr. Atkins... Like what the hell. I do that already. It is clearly not helping.

That's all. Sorry for the scatter-brained post! I'm a little over-tired I guess... PSATS tomorrow. Someone kill me.
Love you girls!! <3 You guys mean so much to me. You don't even know.

Ouch

So today was going swimmingly, limited myself to 200 calories + dinner. But for dinner, my dad made homemade mac and cheese with tofu dogs chopped up inside (I'm a vegetarian). And for some reason, this stuff just tore apart my insides. About half an hour after eating it, I was on the bathroom floor, clenched up in a ball, trying to make the pain go away. It felt like my insides were in atrophy.
Finally, I just leaned over the toilet and purged it all up. It made me feel so much better. I know purging is really horrible for you, and gross, and doesn't actually get all the calories out, but I. hurt. so. bad. I just had to do it.
I really don't want to make it a habit though...
Been there, done that.

Total intake: 800ish
(Couldn't find an exact number for the mac and cheese, seeing as it was homemade. Decided to overestimate than underestimate, so put it at 600. A LOT, I know.)

I've decided to restrict my daily calorie intake to 800 maximum, 500 preferred. Hopefully it'll work for me.

Okay, that's all girlies. I love you!!
Stay strong,
xx Sofia Bee

About Me

So... I have three followers now. (SO STOKED). And I thought it was time I gave a little more information about myself... My name's Sofia, I'm 15 years old, and I live in the United States. I've always had issues with eating. In the seventh grade, I was intensely bullimic. I'm talking, purging after every single thing I ate. This continued, to a lesser degree, to the present, although now I am focusing more on ana. Why ana? Well, this past summer, I was drunk, and I was raped. It was the most horrible thing that has ever happened to me in my life. Thankfully I was so drunk that I can barely remember it, although my therapist says that also might be a repression of memory. All I know is, that after that night, I was obsessed with control. I don't know if it's because I was out of control, or what, but that's where I mark the beginning of the end.
Sometimes I scare myself. I want to get so skinny that I'm sick. So sick that I have to be hospitalized, stuck in a psych ward. I guess I just want people to know that something's wrong. That I'm not alright, after all. That the smiling face they all see is a lie.
I've been diagnosed with depression and chronic anxiety, but my parents are completely against me taking meds for these conditions. And since I'm a minor, that decision is left up to my parents. They think that depression and anxiety aren't real medical conditions. They think I should just figure it out for myself.
Sometimes, I feel so worthless that I can't get out of bed. Sometimes I feel so scared that I won't leave my room. But sometimes I feel happy, euphoric. I feel like dancing sometimes, and running, skipping.
What I'm trying to say is, I'm not always such a mope. It just gets to me sometimes.

Oh, and are you ready for some reverse thinspo? This is me, as of this morning:

Don't make fun of my bow legs!

I love, love, love all of you girls. And I love, love, love reading all of your blogs. Stay strong, everyone. We can do this together <3

xx Sofia

Two Posts in One Day? Crazytown!

Hungry hungry hungry.
wahhh. My tummy is just rumbling away. And I am feeling a bit woozy. I think the wooziness is also because of my period though. It feels like I am losing way too much blood (Sorry if that's TMI, I'm just kind of freaking out). Like, what the hell? I am just bleeding and bleeding... gross.
But yeah. I am not really sure why I am so hungry! 320 calories is not really hunger-inducing usually. God, I am just so frustrated.
Still don't have a scale, still don't have any idea how much I weigh... I really want to be 115 by Halloween, but I don't even know how much I weigh now!
This.
Is.
Driving.
Me.
Insane.
I just need to get to a friend's house and check on their scale. But I'm too lazy. Plus, I'm always tempted to eat when I'm with my friends. So I've mostly just been staying home.
I am turning into such an anti-social freak.

EDIT:
I just waited the hunger out. No more rumbly tummy, no more hunger at all! Feeling good, still a little woozy/shakey. Whatever. I'm stoked that the hunger just passed.

EDIT #2:
Oh God. I think I might throw up.
I went out to get some more diet soda (this stuff is seriously my savior) and was attacked by my stepmother. She went off on me for not eating any dinner. I claimed I wasn't hungry. She asked me if I thought she was stupid. I didn't reply. She angrily threw two biscuits and a hunk of cheese on the plate, and told me to eat them. I refused. She yelled. I refused again. She yelled again. She said I was grounded if I didn't eat. She said I would have to see Dr. Vroomen twice a week if I didn't eat. She said, she said, she said.
I ate.
I feel so  sick. How many calories is that? 400? 500? 600? Too, too, too much. I would purge, right now, but how can I, with her in the house?
Everything is just falling apart.

So Fucking Upset

So, as you know, today was supposed to be a fast day.
And I was doing really good! I seriously was having no problem not eating.
BUT THEN, my witch of a stepmother forced me to go to Thai food with her and my dad. I just ordered hot and sour soup, figuring I would only eat the broth, and at least maintain a liquid fast.
But no.
She pitched a fit, talking about how I don't eat enough, and that she knows what I'm doing, and would we have to have a serious talk about this and do I want her to have to call Dr. Vroomen (my therapist)? And all of this was in front of my dad, and an entire restaurant of people. So I ate some fried rice to shut her up, and it was a really small amount and not that many calories, BUT STILL.
So my calorie intake for the day came out to about 320 calories.
Not bad, but not what I was aiming for.
I am just upset.
She just can't stand the thought of me being skinnier than her.

But in the good news side, I made myself an ana bracelet! It's just plain and simple, but - I don't know - I like it, and I think it helps keep me from eating. It's like a little band of reinforcement and encouragement. A little reminder from Ana herself <3

(Sorry the quality's so shitty)

Well, love to you all.
I'm going to try fasting again tomorrow/the rest of today. Hopefully my bitch stepmom won't screw things up for me again.
You are all beautiful and lovely! Stay strong,
xx Sofia

In awe

The craziest, most amazing thing just happened.
I stood up, walked to the kitchen to get a glass of water. I was surrounded by chocolates and cookies and bread and cereal and every other type of binge-worthy food. And... I just wasn't interested. I looked at all of it, shrugged my shoulders, and walked out with my water.
What does this mean? Am I finally gaining the control I always dreamed of? 
I feel invincible, impenetrable, immortal. I feel better than I have ever felt in my entire life. I don't need this food, this grey sludge coating my insides, weighing me down. I don't need any of it.
Starting a fast tomorrow. Zero calories, here I come. Anyone want to join me?
Please let me hold onto this feeling forever.
I love you girls, oh so much.
xx Sofia

Thinspo for Everyone

Her legs...

Tokyo Police Club!!

Last night was TOKYO POLICE CLUB.
It was the most amazing night of my life.
And this guy, who I have a major crush on, (let's call him A) was there, and we hung out the entire time, and screamed all the lyrics, and after the show, we met the drummer AND the lead singer. I was kind of dying of awe.
Anyways, today has been a pretty good day! Only some oatmeal for breakfast (Safeway Select Sugar-Free is only 100 calories), and then some fruit salad for dinner. And I am feeling good.
Tomorrow, I am planning on fasting. Water fast, for the win! Anyone want to join me? Or have any tips on how to hide your ed from your parents? Both my mother and my stepmother have intense histories with anorexia, so it's difficult to get away with it without them noticing... Today I pretended to sleep through dinner, but that's not really something I can do everyday, you know?
Well, stay strong my beautiful ladies xxxx

Creep

So, I'm not that big a fan of Radiohead, but they came on my Pandora station a few minutes ago, and...
Well, has anyone heard their song Creep?! Like, woah. I don't know, it just kind of spoke to me. Very pro-ana in it's way. Is it about someone who is ana?? Weird...

When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry

You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fuckin' special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

Hello out there

Today was my grandfather's memorial.  My grandfather and I had always been so close - he understood me better than anyone else in my entire family. He raised me until I was 10 years old. I loved him a lot, and today was just so hard.
The only plausible good thing was that all day I felt so sad and small, like a clenched up weight was squeezing my internal organs to a pulp, that I barely ate anything. Just some oatmeal this morning and some apple juice just now.
I miss him so much.

A New Month, A New Start

The past few days have been relatively good.
100-ish calorie breakfasts, no lunch, and whatever my family is having for dinner.
No binges in sight :] And let's keep it that way.
In fact... October resolution: No binges all month.
hellz yeah.

Well... this week I am seeing one of my favorite bands: Tokyo Police Club.
YOU CANNOT IMAGINE MY EXCITEMENT.
I know that's not ana related... but really. I am having a difficult time containing myself. No joke.

In other news... my entire family is in town right now. Including my beautiful, skinny, slender cousin. She eats the tiniest portions! Just like a bird, I swear. And nobody thinks anything of it. But when I eat small portions, my entire family gets on my back, lecturing me, forcing me to eat. It's driving me a little insane. At least she is a form of living thinspiration.

Sorry for the lame post, nothing has really been happening... Hopefully something wildly drastic will happen by my next post :]

xx stay strong lovelies

p.s. HOLY SHIT I HAVE A FOLLOWER. Is it sad how sad how happy that makes me? Hello, my one little follower. You make me feel not-so-lame <3

Mocha Frap = DOOM

Oh no...
Today, my mother picked me up from school... holding a mocha frappucino from Starbucks. My worst nightmare. It's not like I could just not drink it. I had to drink it. At least I got away with only drinking about half.
But now my stomach is extremely angry with me. Gurgling and nauseous... I just feel sick.
Sigh... I can't wait until I'm 18, and off to college in NYC. Nobody telling me what to eat or when to eat it or anything. Right now, that sounds like heaven.
On top of that frappuccino, I'm going to have to eat dinner with the family tonight.
The only good thing about this is that I'm a vegetarian, so can usually get away with just eating a salad.
Well, I should probably go do my homework instead of blogging away.
I'll post my calories later today.
Stay strong, lovelies!
xx

A Screw Up and a Regain of Control

I have a confession.
This past three days... I've been... horrible.
I've been a pig, to put it plainly.
Eating and eating and eating. Not counting calories. Not even attempting to restrict.
Well, all of this resulted in an extremely gnarley panic attack last night.
I felt like...
Like... My world was falling apart. Like I had lost all control. I vowed to regain my control.
And this morning I woke up feeling somehow rejuvenated.
Today's Intake...
B: 130
L: 0
D: 300
Total: 430
And it still feels like too much. It always feels like too much. Is that just me?

I wore shorts to school today. I was so distracted in all my classes, obsessing over how disgusting my legs are. I couldn't focus. I couldn't concentrate on anything but my own repulsiveness. How do other people stand looking at me? I am a tub of lard.

I won't be wearing shorts for a while.

Blinded

Today, a friend grabbed my hips, said "Ohmygod you're so skinny!"
I wriggled out of her grasp, mortified at the thought of her touching my thick, flabby body.
Am I skinny? When I look in the mirror, I don't see thin.
I see disappointment.
I see a whale of a girl peering back at me.

In other news, I still have no scale. I am going slowly insane not knowing my weight.

And some thinspo:

It's a Bit Awkward

Typing these words is what's a bit awkward. Is anybody out there? Are these sentences getting lost in the murky shadows of cyberspace? Ah well. All good things take time.
Today, my mother told me that my jeans are looking a bit loose.
Is there any better feeling in the world?

Some thoughts and some thinspo.

Today, my stepmother flat out confronted me about my eating habits.
She even removed the scale from the house.
I freaked a little. I thought I had been hiding it extremely well!
Now I'm a little  nerve-wracked.
What's a girl to do?

Anyways, here's some thinspo for all to enjoy.